dancing through motherhood

This is mostly crossposted from WordyDoodles.

I loved this article in the SF Chronicle today. It was about an ODC dancer who had a baby and how it changed her dancing and her life.

Even if you've never danced formally, you'll be able to relate to her and appreciate her (and her husband's) revelations. There's a wonderful message about why we as parents should prioritize our happiness.

But let's start with ODC, which is proving itself to be not only at the top of their game artistically, but also administratively. The fact that the artistic director and other top brass at the company say things like, "We're always going to have a space for you, there's no pressure to come back this season," and "We've been through it. I don't think anything makes it easy, but I think it helps to be in an environment where you know that people understand that. We know that the less comfortable and secure you feel about your baby's care, the less you'll be able to do," proves that they're on the leading edge of family-friendly workplaces.

But perhaps my favorite quote is from Yayoi Kambara herself: "Becoming a mom, she says, has made her clearer on what she really wants for herself.

'I believe that we as individuals have to be happy in order to make our children happy. It's so important to us that Hanae [her daughter] feels confident and that she feels she can do anything that she wants to do, that she dreams whatever she wants and then goes ahead and does it. And if we didn't do that for ourselves, then how is she going to learn that?'"

Amen to that!

for laughs!

Lest you think we take ourselves too seriously... you must check out Baby Bush Toys: Simple Products for Simple Minds. My favorite is the Li'l Looming Disaster Pillow, but they're all great. Be sure to read the testimonials too.

We all know parents who take waaaaay too much stock in believing that Baby Einstein and products like that will make their baby a genius. If you find yourself confronted by that competitiveness, just look at this website, relax and have a good laugh.

no worries!

I love the title of this book: Einstein Never Used Flashcards: How Our Children Really Learn -- and Why They Need To Play More and Memorize Less.

Ain't that the whole truth. There is so much pressure these days to turn your child into a super achiever before birth (if you think I'm kidding, google "prenatal education"). But there's no real evidence that these fetal lectures lead to genius adults, much less happy ones.

D is an extremely talented physicist with an intimate knowledge of the work and life of Einstein. I trust him- and my own instincts- in the decision to make like Einstein, and give our child plenty of free play time. We don't have to put pressure on ourselves as parents or on our children to achieve a cookie cutter model of success. We simply need to nurture them, observe them carefully, and encourage them to explore and to have fun!

To enjoy the lightness of childhood, to learn to be low-stress and naturally curious, to be loving-- these are the things I will nurture in my child.

the weight of Minkie

Last night during the Democratic debate, Minkie decided she wanted to color. So I put some paper and crayons in front of me. She climbed on my lap and colored.

I thought about what this would have felt like before I became a parent. I had about as much exposure to people under 3 as your typical 20-30-something-- which is not much. I remember how special it felt when they chose me to hold them, when they wanted to hold hands. When, on very few occasions, they settled into sitting with me. That sweet weight of a little one on my lap, the soft little hands, the downy hair.

I realized that it still feels special.

balanced?

One for you from indexed, one of my favorite little blogs.

Sometimes the work/life balance goal seems totally unworkable, but to keep it in focus, even without achieving it, feels worthwhile to me. Like that old saying goes (approximately), you have to know where you're going to get there.

Keep hope alive!

a block of time! without the kid!

I have a huge project to do for one of my consulting jobs. It is an amazing thing and has the potential to improve the lives of thousands of people.

So D took sweet P out of the house for a couple of hours. And I don't know what to do! I feel guilty for not using the time efficiently, and guilty for not being with them.

Makes not much sense, right? But at least I can think clearly enough to realize:

1. I need to stop feeling guilty because it's keeping me from doing my work.
2. I need to simply feel grateful for the time and space to do this wonderful work.

Sometimes I need to step back and allow myself to benefit from the help others give me. You too?

being sorry

This article from Slate is a funny, thoughtful take on forcing your child to apologize. I thought I'd disagree with its premise-- that it might not be the best thing to encourage your child to apologize if your kid doesn't mean it. After all, is there not some worth to practicing how to apologize?

There is, I think. But I also loved and appreciated the idea that kids can come to understand how others feel, to empathize, and to truly be sorry for hurting another.

Modeling this empathetic behavior is fundamentally important. I think so because I realize it was not modeled for me by my own parents, but I learned it early in other friendships and relationships. And D and I apologize to each other so easily-- somehow, in our loving relationship, it's so simple and painless to acknowledge the truth when one of us is wrong. What a difference it would have made, though, to see my own mother and father treat each other with empathy.

I am mindful of this as I mother Minkie, of the importance of sincerity and empathy, of lovingly helping her grow into the wonderful person she is. One who will do her best to reach out to others, to empathize.

some days are sunny, some are not

Today is a gray day. I have a ton of work to do. I have to produce some results before the end of the week. It's so different from the work of parenting, which is constant but where the "results" are -- well, not as concrete and immediate as a memo.

There's a lot of stuff to figure out. Not the least of which is what sweet P should eat for a snack, and whether she's napped enough.

Sigh- the grayness of the day isn't helping. But, quit my bellyaching and get 'er done, right? There is a certain deliciousness to completing a task, especially when I look at P and realize that I will never be done parenting. But in that case, that's a marvelous comfort. There are milestones and markers but no absolute deadline.

It's interesting how I have to hold onto both those truths.

the great reminder

Saturday was a gorgeous, sunny day here. We made a decision to do no work, but to enjoy the day thoroughly. And we did! We ate the best Chinese food ever (I'm talking delicate sauces, perfect seasonings- not fast food, but fabulous). We had Ici ice cream for dessert, which is the most perfectly beautiful SOLE (sustainable organic local ethical- I didn't make that up) dessert ever.

And we ran into an old dance teacher of mine. His street clothes are dapper, always with a carnation in his lapel. He is the male version of Debbie Allen in "Fame" (carries and uses a big stick in class; yells things like "You will pay in sweat!" and means it; will make you do something 100 times and if your muscles are shaking, 100 times more). I haven't been in his studio in several years now.

He met D and admired P a lot, and asked who was going to be the strict one, because one of us had to, because when she looked up with "those anime eyes" and said please, someone would have to stand firm. And it ain't gonna be Daddy!

I said I had just been thinking about him and class, and how I'd *die* if I took class again. He put an arm around my shoulder firmly and replied, "Don't go looking for things to complain about! You have a beautiful life, a gorgeous daughter. You're a great looking couple."

I feel like I will never forget that. What a perspective! Instead of mourning the things my body won't do again (and what things! He could whip anyone into willowy, strong shape, just perfect for flying), I could celebrate everything right in my life. Instead of being ambitious and wanting to do more, I could savor the beautiful day and the happiness I have with my family. And so I do.

Because every parents needs a minute of pure beauty

This may be the most beautiful pas de deux I have ever seen. The choreography is stunning. Yuan Yuan Tan is an artist of the highest caliber. (Not to mention her amazing partner.) You will be so glad you took two minutes out for this.

best gift from the holidays

The hectic holiday travel and illnesses are thankfully coming to a close. We're gearing up for a new year, new routines. I'm looking back at the holiday season and reviewing my best gift.

Was it that aqua polyester pants and off the shoulder ensemble? Perhaps the trivia card game? What about the snide, vitriolic right-wing book tearing up my home state?

No, friends, though these each offer something unique, they weren't the Best Gift.

The best gift was the reminder that it is possible- and necessary- to find quiet spaces in the least likely nooks and crannies of time. That when I'm busiest, I find a moment to breathe, rebalance, find calm in:

- the ten seconds walking in from the garage through the laundry room
- a short bathroom break from my laptop
- taking five minutes to prepare a salad or omelet for lunch instead of eating standing up in front of the fridge
- going up or down the stairs

It's not a huge revelation. But maybe, maybe these little moments of peace will provide me just enough cushion to relieve the blows, setbacks, aches and pains of the day.

It's a very good way to begin 08.

rain, rain, go away. Or maybe stay another day.

It's day 2 of a major, major storm in our area. It already feels like it's been a week without sunshine, though. Winter days are always about the weak, anemic sunshine-- at its strongest, it makes you yearn for just a little more warmth and light. But it hints at good things to come. This fierce dark gray sky coupled with nearly horizontal rain and wind doesn't bother with attempts at niceties. It's pure drama- makes for good theater, and then begins to feel suffocating.

It's inspiring to see how P deals with it. We were keeping her inside since she's sick, anyway. She's loved watching the rain fall, the branches blow. Then she invents a new game with newspaper, a cardboard box, a few blocks. I was watching her stay busy with her important work, and suddenly remembered a few projects I could work on.

The rain is a pain, but it's sometimes nice to be forced to do things I might otherwise never get around to, and to invent new ways to play.